Despair

I lot of times I am in despair… I have suicidal thoughts. I have no work, I have no money for my kids… I didn’t have so long any beloved in my bed that I tell I serioulsy doubt that I will ever sleep with a man in this lifetime. If I would not have kids I would be away already long ago. So… I am in this “hole” and I can’t climb out of it. I am in a “prison” which I built it for myself. I don’t go anywhere, I am addicted on internet. I have lots of admireres, who are looking at my old pictures. I am not like that – I don’t look like on these old pictures of mine. I am desperated. Before…

I was hoping that I will be with a man together, not with my mother like now… But then years went by and situation didn’t change, just my kids were older. I actually now am not thinking to be together with a man, I am afraid of men, I would not be together with anybody anymore, since I have so much fear from men. They died, dissapeared or left me alone with their kids for what they never payed for.

I am playing a victim, I know it, I say it openly but it doesn’t help me.

So… since I can’t kill myself and I have to live because of my kids… I was thinking if I can get any help from the Universe, since all men and all friends forget me. But Universe also doesn’t help. I am… I am sure that God knows for all my wishes and prayers. but since I am in despair I can’t get what he is sending me.

This is a viscious circle… I just don’t want to be next ten years in such a state…

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