Hell

I was left alone with my partner, who married another woman in one month after he went from our flat. I can’t tell you how much I suffered. I was literally in hell. I was without money, without a job, left alone, I was with 3 kids alone in a flat where I couldn’t pay a rent. There I was six months and in this time I somehow survived and pay for that flat. But then the owner of the flat came and said that I have to go out of the flat in 24 hours. I didn’t have where to go. I mean… In this town I had my mother and my sister, but since we didn’t have good relations, I didn’t want to live there. My mother had a big flat where she lives alone since my fathers’ death 15 years ago.  I actually was thinkig to live at my mothers already three years before (after I moved from Vienna to Ljubljana)… I just asked her once. And since she reacted very unkindly, I understood, that there is no chance to live at her place.
I mean… I didn’t want to live there either, I just was looking for a short stay.

But in the year 2009 I didn’t have any other way as to go in her place. I was never employed and never really looked for a job. Actually I was kind of dead inside of me, since I suffered betrayal after betrayal from men and I was alive just because of my children…

When the owner of my old place told me that we had to go out, it was at the beginning of July. I moved to my mother’s place. I was alone. I didn’t have any help, except from my old neighbour who knew me from birth and who was actually helping my mother to repair things in her flat which had broken. I am endlessly grateful to him.
So… I moved together with all my things which had already seen four flats and two countries to my old flat at my mothers. I had moved five times in ten years. Since I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother, I had this pain in my stomach all the time. I have had it from the time I was little. I was always afraid that my mother will “jump” on me and “attack” me as if I did something wrong again.
I am here now for the fourth year. Two years ago my granny lived in the flat in the winter. She was living in her house in Prekmurje region, Est of Slovenia, but my mother wanted to have her at her place for winter, since she was old and couldn’t take care on herself anymore. She had to build a fire in her house, she didn’t have radiators like we have. So my mother just took her here.
In the winter there was my mother, my grandmother, my kids, me and sometimes my mum’s sisters who came to visit my mother and my grandmother. There was lots of tension here, since my mother just continually bad mouthed me, that all my men left me and that I am not able to raise my kids.
The worst scene ever was… it was always the same… My mother said, that I did something wrong – like I put one pot somewhere else, where she doesn’t allow. Or she was accusing me of stealing something from her or taking away from her and I showed her that she doesn’t have right.. She went berserk and started to shout that I am not good, that I always call the police and that I will never go away from her place and never find a job.
She also didn’t forget to tell me, that I never earned any money and that nothing will ever “come” from me and that is better for to just kill myself.
When my sister was present, they would both start to accuse me. Once I couldn’t stand it any more and I said that I will go and kill myself. They said: “Go and kill yourself. We know that you a coward and you are afraid to do it:” My kids started to cry and I told them that I would go out. They said that they would go with me. I left them in a near park and I told them that I want to go in a wood that is close-by to calm myself. I was running in the woods and looking for a gap to throw myself into and kill me. I was crying and tears just didn’t stop. I took me one hour to calm down. I couldn’t do it.
I mean… even if I would have jumped into a hole or something, I don’t know if I would really kill myself. I found out that I can’t even kill myself. I knew at that time so much about the eternal self, that it was clear to me, that there is no death. But I couldn’t do that to my kids who were the only ones in the world who loved me.
Instead of killing myself, I accepted living in a prison.
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