It started in 1994

When I conceived my first child and I married in 1994, I was in a special state of mind. This was a really crazy year for me. It really was like somebody had me on strings, I was just going in front my future like a bulldozer. I wanted to have a child with this person at any price. I knew intuitively that this person was not good for me, but I didn’t care. My biological clock ticked, I was like unconscious… like an alpha animal taking care of itself. In the previous year I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I reacted as a person who knew exactly what she has to do and would do it at any cost.
Actually this year was a very nice for me. It started to go downhill when I came with my child who was born in Ljubljana to live with my husband who lived in Vienna. For some months we lived in peace. Then it started. I think that we quarrelled for the first time when I didn’t want to go to his mother’s for dinner. He started to push his mother between us and child to avoid his responsibilities as a father of our child. I understood now why, he was raised like that, he was incredibly spoiled.
He never did anything at home, his mother, my mother-in-law did everything. So, soon, I had a feeling that I didn’t marry him, but his mother. Soon, we started to fight each other… I mean… he just stopped talking to me. I resented it, I fought against him, the more I fought, the more he was silent. In the end, I just wanted to kill myself, cause I couldn’t stand this tug-of-war anymore. After one year living together he went to live back with his mother, where he was before.

I want to say this… even two years ago while we lived separated, but married on paper, I didn’t give up thinking that he will come back. It was so humiliating for me. I was beating my head against the wall and thinking how could I persuade him to come back.

How could I persuade him if he didn’t even talk to me. And when we started, we just said really horrible things to each other and then stopped talking again. How could I ever think that he would change? He is exactly the same to this day., I know, my daughter told me when she sees him.

But he was so nice, before we were married and before our child came. I was losing so much energy to change the other person which is impossible,

I had to change myself first. At this time I didn’t know that. I know it now. When I look at my past, I don’t regret a thing. I would not do the same things of course, if I would do it, I would react differently. I was so low in emotion, I was resentful, aggressive, I thought that my life would be lost if we divorced. It was really vice -versa. My life was saved when we divorced.

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