My body and being naked I.

We all have a need for sex, which is actually the same as a need for food and drink. But we soon start to behave like sex is not “really a need” and we don’t ” need that really”, I don’t do that and so on…. I started to be a “sexual” being, when my body started to transform, when I was twelve. I must say, I liked myself very much. I mean… I hated the hair in my armpits and pubic hair. But you can’t see this from the outside, so, I just let it grow. But after my twelfth birthday, my breasts just continued to grow and grow. I had very good taste for clothing and which parts of dresses should be together and so on. I was buying all these beautiful magazines that were available from Italy
at that time. In our shops we had horrible ugly socialist clothes. But we were lucky, cause we lived near Italy and there they have beautiful things to wear. The problem was just that I could only afford myself one piece of clothes. I really wanted to buy myself the whole shop…
Anyway… When I was twelve, I liked myself. Soon I also realised, that men are looking at me differently than before. Especially when my breasts were growing and growing, that was the case. I actually had a problem with meeting men on the street. Not that he said something like: “How I want to touch your breasts”. etc. I couldn’t stand men and their comments, so I started to put my breasts into too little underwear. I actually hid my breasts throughout my primary school, so actually none of my shoolfriends knew about the size of my breasts. I put my too-little underwear on me and I pushed my t-shirt inside my jeans, so, my breasts were flat. I never ever had a decollette.
Once I remember we had a medical check, I was around fourteen. I suffered for four months before, because we girls  had to be topless. I didn’t know what to do. So… when this day came, I was the only one, who had a brassierre on me and T-shirt over. All other girls were practically “without” breasts.
My mother had big breasts and she looked so un-aesthetic to me. She was actually very beautiful and admired in our little town. But she had a way of dressing that I didn’t like and she emphasized her breasts. Of course nobody had a clue what was going on with me. I was hiding it very well.
Actually we were going on the FKK beach whenever we went to the seaside. They became very popular after 1970. I was always watching my parents naked going around the flat. We didn’t hide from each other. I mean… my father was very “easy going”, my mother not… she was full of complexes and shame. Maybe because of their religion. My father was orthodox and my mother catholic. Actually they were both communist at
this time, just they were raised in these religions as kids. My mother still feels uncomfortable when somebody talks about sex or is kissing somebody on TV. She just changes the programme.
In my whole adolescent years I was actually split. My sexual need was growing, because this is just a normal need like the need for food and drink. But I denied this to myself. And I had this horriblefear of being naked in front of a man and having sex. For God’s Sake no! On the other hand, I was “this girl with big breasts” which was actually very rare in my youth. This was before pornography exploded everywhere. Women
had in average little breasts.
I didn’t hide my breasts in my teens anymore, rather I covered them with too big clothes, so that nobody could notice them. But I still could cover them a lot. Once one older guy just grabbed my breasts on the street. He told me, that I am so young and have such big tits… Isn’t that wonderful? My self esteem was too low to hit him and run away at once. I let him do it a few seconds. I guess I was in such a shock that what he made was possible.
Through the whole of my puberty there was lots of alcohol, I was dead drunk lots of times and for some time I know that I slept with men. I mean… of course I wanted to have sex, but this was not like doing it in a “sober” state. But when I was drunk I just went wild. I remember some times – four or five times, when I was thinking alone at home after a wild drinking party, what I did in the night, I was afraid to ask anybody what really happened. This was so embarrassing, that I had “arranged” myself such a really horrible scene with alcohol so, I never was dead drunk anymore.
When I was twenty years old I was actually still a virgin, although all these “accidents” happened. My first boyfriend had a big sexual appetite. I was not like that at all (because I was not drunk with him). We tried to have sex, but he couldn’t come into me, because I had a “closed door”. It took several months, until I actually had sex with him. I never enjoyed it. I never really relaxed. I think that the majority of women are like that. If people are relaxed and like each other there is nothing better than having sex. But nobody taught me that. We have to go through our own school. Most women never get over this phase, what was the first phase in sex in my life, I think. Maybe our kids will be more relaxed about it, I am sure about that. But people of our generation are similar to me, I think.
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