My body and being naked II.

I started menstruation when I was fourteen. All the other girls from my class already had it. We had a kind of “sexual class” in a school where one teacher explained about when girls get their period and how a child is conceived. We all already knew about it. I remember, how the girls didn’t believe me, that I didn’t have a period. As it was like… everybody has to get it at the same time!? I was different. I had the biggest breasts and my period one year later than others…
We never ever spoke about sex at home. As if it never existed! My father would speak, but my mother was such a barrier, that it was not possible. Once – I remember, she called me and my sister “on talk” while she was ironing in the kitchen. She had such a bad time speaking out. I knew what she was going to say. She was going to tell us about menstruation, that we will get it because we are women. She had such a hard time talking about it… as if she was telling the most horrible things… crimes or something – but it was just about menstruation, which is the most normal thing that “happens” to a woman…
All these things about menstruation, inappropriate body and sex experiences I had through these years – willy nilly. Maybe it would be easier, if I could have talked about sex with my parents or my friends. Maybe I would not have gone through wild alcoholic parties and I would have felt more relaxed. Maybe not. I myself don’t push talking about sex on my kids. I found out that my oldest daughter already had it, but not from her mouth, but of her sisters. I also know, that they say “Yuck”, when they see a picture of sexual intercourse anywhere. And I don’t say anything. They will have their own experience. But I always talk to them if they ask me. Of course I didn’t have
to tell the girls about periods, they already knew it.
My oldest daughter has a boyfriend, he was once here. He is just sweet. I heard her talking to him on the phone lots of times . Sometimes crying… I was also sad when I hear her crying (in our flat you can hear everything, rooms are tied together)…
My first “real” relationship with my boyfriend was very strange. He was a really nice guy. But I was betraying him all the time… I was in love with another guy every week and I wanted to be admired by every man, especially if he didn’t show any interest in me. Now I know that I was what they call an “attention whore”. My mood was up, then the next moment down. I was depressed. I hated the faculty at which I studied. I hated living with my parents, so I was lots of time at his place. But there were his parents, who got on my nerves…
I didn’t know what to do with my life. There was no happiness in it, although I was studying and had a boyfriend. No passion really. Whenever I was at his place, we had sex. But I just took it as something that I had to do in exchange for living at his place. I was so bored with my life. I was in a depression. There was no joy, no future, I hated myself. I had to have other boys, just to forget how miserable I am. I betrayed my boyfriend several times. He never betrayed me. I had two abortions with him what really affected me. At that time it was very easy to have an abortion. They asked you if you are less then ten weeks pregnant. You don’t want to get a child. OK, so tomorrow you have an abortion…
After my second abortion I was totally devastated. He pushed me to do it, because we were not able to take care of a child. I think that it was over after that, I was thinking why in the world I am together with somebody I don’t actually want to be with and this lasted seven years. Everybody in my family was shocked, because they all thought we would marry.
He was just a phase in my life and I was in low a vibration then. We had lots of beautiful moments and I am deeply grateful for that. But it was just a learning process. Which it is with all our partners – who are our teachers. I actually always thought that I would never be able to have sex with a man and he just proved me wrong. When I think about him now I know that I was always thinking that he was not the “right” person for me, but I couldn’t finish
this partnership before.
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