Heart Chakra (part two)

So… before the year 2005 I need to tell something more about what I did before and what I was doing in Vienna.  OK… my first boyfriend died when I was sixteen. I was totally devastated with his death. I felt guilty because I wasn’t with him ofter in hospital. He died of cancer three month and half after we begun dating. I had no help from anybody and didn’t know how to help myslef. I blamed myself. I was just sixteen, dear God!!!!! OK, somehow I got an idea that his death must have have a deeper meaning for my life, I knew somehow that I have to start seaching where he was gone. I was deeply stamped  with his death. After Tine died, another boyfriend of mine from school died, half year later (in the year 1979), so I was just thinking that everybody who I really liked just die.

My adolescence was very wild and actually  strange. On the one hand I suffered from the complexes of inferiority. I was not able to speak in front of lots of people. I was very shy and very self-restrained. But on the other hand I was very communicative, I had lots of admirers and I was always the main person whenever there was “something going on”. All the time people told me that I was beautiful, but I was not sure about it until everybody would say that. I wanted to be in the middle of attention. But I hated it on the same time. It was in tag-a-war in me all the time.

In this time there was an outburst of punk music, rebellion against the socialist regime which was not working. I was not a child anymore and I started to realize that we are living in a totalitarian state. Tito died one year after my boyfriend Tine died – in the year 1980, when I was seventeen.

There was lots of alcohol in my puberty. A lot. Slovenian people are known as big consumers of alcohol and they started very early. I know why I drunk alcohol. Because I didn’t know how to get rid of this horrible feeling of  guilt and shame.

And I couldn’t talk otherwise. I was totally blocked when I was !normal” or sober. But when I was drunk I was very different. In “good” days it was every friday when our class from gymnasium went to a pub where we pour enourmous qualities of wine, bear or strong liquer inside of us . With a help oh alc I was the Queen of the Day. I was very talkative, I was the clown and the person who knows everything.

I was lots of time “dead drunk” or” koma-betrunken”, like they say in Austria and I didn’t remember next day what I was doing. It was in this vicious cicle which ended in the year 1988 when my first boyfriend left me after seven years being together and I drank enourmous quantities of albanian cognac Skenderbeg and I started to cut my hands with broken glass. I was very destructive when I was under the influence of alcoloh… depends how much I drunk. Normally in this time I drunk a lot, because I wanted to be ready to talk to other people fast. The problem was, that I was not sober and that I didn’t remember next day, what I was doing. And I was embarassed to ask my friends what I did. So… this happened to me like ten – fifteen time and when I really embarassed myself.

Then I decided to stop with alcohol at all. I never drunk because of the taste of it anyway. I was never drunk after the year 1988. I mean… really drunk. Here and now I drink a bit of alcohol, but I don’t have a need to drink enormous quantities any more. I started to speak with people. I don’t have any problem with it any more. :) So… I don’t need any cruth any more. I can speak freely with people and I love to communicate. But when I was in my teens I couldn’t and that was very horrible.

What was also significant for this time was that I did things against myself. I inscribe on a faculty which I hated from the begining on. How could I do that to myslef? I didn’t like myself. I hated myself. I hated me, my parents, my sister and my boyfriend. My first boyfriend I had when I was eighteen years old. It took us long to come together and I didn’t know if I was with him because I was so confused and lost and I hated to live at my parents or because I wanted to be with him. Also, I was in love every week with the other guy. I had a boyfriend and I was all the time with others. What is this? He left me after seven years of dating where everybody around us was thinking that we will marry. I was devastated.

And I also studied the most horrible thing I could imagine – I studied political sciencies. I am on my nature an artist, a writer, loving of beautiful words. I also have good voice and was shortly learning how to sing properly. But in my twenties I commit crimes toward myself and after I asked myself why I was so miserable… Well I didn’t know any better at that time. I played a victim. My parents were guilty because they didn’t give me freedom, but I had everything I wanted and they loved me dearly. My boyfriend was gulity, because he was boring… But he was a good guy. Till I found Scientology and I found out that when you feel bad and when you critisize a lot – that’s an indication that you did bad things to others and to yourself.

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