My mother, food and noise

My mother was obsessed with making food, thinking what we will have for lunch, thinking about buying food and preparing it. Whenever I think about my mother – there she is in the kitchen cooking something and at the same time talking on the phone with her family or her friends.

Needless to say that I hated that. I was never hungry and all this food talking was for me something totally unnecessary. I also couldn’t stand “small talk” which was always in our house… who married somebody, how is somebody doing and so on. I was bored to death with my mother’s talk but till my tenth birthday I thought that it has to be like that. Then I slightly understood that my mother and father were not bright enough. Not that they were stupid. They just didn’t have the same problems as I had. They never asked themselves why we are here. I asked myself these questions when I was already very young. My parents were like other people that I found terribly boring. I was very sad since I wanted them to be clever and brilliant. After all – they were my parents. That’s why they were special. But they weren’t… That’s how I explained to myself, why they are always talking about things that were not important. They were talking a lot. Our flat was always full of people, especially in the evening. But they didn’t talk about something important… just about food and gossiping, which so tired me. I found out soon that I will never learn anything from them and that they will never be able to answer my problems.
My mother uses exactly the same words now as forty years ago. And the same pattern of behaviour. My mother went to afternoon school when I was in elementary school, but never educated herself afterwards. She never read books,
yes, books about cheap love stories, Dr. Romans and stuff. She never went to theatre. When we got TV, she was watching it all the time and reading cheap stuff. She knew all gossip stories, she was listening to the news and to the radio. She never appreciated art. Art was “something weird” for her, for what is stupid to pay money for.
Money should be given just for people who work. And artists were for sure not workers, they are lazy people. Also I was a lazy person, just because I was sitting and writing which is “stealing time from God”. What counts in life is working in a secure job which brings money to spend it for food. I think that she is happiest after lunch when everybody eats too much and she is sure that everybody is not hungry.
If she doesn’t like something, she complains about it. If she is angry at somebody before she comes home, she vomits all her frustration on a person who is at home. When my father was still alive, I was thinking, that he was repressive to my mother, just because of the fact, she was always so loud. There was always “war” in our flat between them. She was never satisfied, never at peace. I was escaping from home at my boyfriend’s. I always felt bad, when I was coming home and I knew, that my mother would be there. Or, when I was at home and I knew, that she would come.
I was running away from her. I actually was living in Vienna, hiding from her, but there was nothing better for me. Why? Cause, I was in the same emotion of fear. I was in the same emotion there, although my mother was not there, but there were other people who were like my mother.
You have to understand this situation. This is such a mess and a contradiction of thoughts. Of course I actually loved my mother endlessly, since… she is after all my mother. But then, she had for decades these daily attacks on me – telling me that I am not good, that I will never do anything right, that I never earned any money, so I am not worth anything and not capable. I could get wonderful success somewhere and after that I just need to see my mother (who never had any idea what I was doing, she just “knew” that I was not doing right since I was different from her belief what is right) and I was at once in despair and in depression.
She was critisizing, complaining and looking for negative things all the time. I kind of understood from my youth on that she is attached to kind of “machine”, that she is programmed and this “machine” is what makes her say things, it is not the real her. But then I didn’t have any allies and I started to believe her that I am not good and I will never get any job and so on.
Also my sister started to be like my mother in her last years…
Till last Sunday when I woke up and I heard her shouting in the kitchen and making lots of noise. I at once felt bad, not worthy and in a trap, which I never will be able to go out of it. I send a mail to Michael and asked him to help me. He told me that these thoughts are just Ego thoughts which keep me in their claws and that I have to talk to my Higher mind and persuade myself not to take these thoughts for real.
I was looking at this and I found out, that I also have a “machine” which I take as an excuse not to go away from my mother. Actually… the situation releases when it is totally accepted. And I didn’t accept it totally. I always fought against my mother.
So… when I accepted the situation and see my mother as she is and simply allow her that she is, then the situation will lift. This what my mother is talking about me is not true and is not me. And I can change that.
This was really a story of my life. I was always exceptional. Not that I am bragging… but I was the best in the elementary school. And there was no commendation from her side. Always complaining, criticising. When I saw, that it would be the same if whether I am the best or the worst I stopped trying. In the secondary school I was not good in school. She was complaining. But she would do it in any case. I so need her in my teens, especially when I was 16 and my boyfriend died. But then I saw, that I will never get anything useful from her and I was fed up of her complaining, so I gave up. She was actually quite happy, when I was working on radio and on television in my twenties as a student. But then I left all this and she was in shock. I found out that she is doing things to please others which were against my ethics.
I would never do anything to please others.
So… after I finished my studies – I went to Vienna, but since I was in a such a bad emotion, I didn’t succeed there and I had husbands who tortured me. I repeated the story of my mother and my father. I didn’t know then, I know it now. And I went in scientology because I wanted to “handle” myself. I wanted to free myself from my mother. I was there 15 years, and then I came back to her it was the same as before.
Eventhough it was fifteen years in between. She just took me as a next child.
She always loved to play the boss. When I was talking with a clairvoyant she told me that my mother was a bigger commander to the army than my father – higher ranked army officer. But she did that always covertly. Nobody who knew my mother from outside had no idea, that she was abusing me. Yes they heard that she is noisy, but they took it as “cute”.
She was always very nosy. You knew that she is in the flat, when it was always loud, radio on full (it didn’t matter if the programme was “on”… just that it was noise). TV was on at the same time as radio. These last years, when my father was anymore here – all the time.
She doesn’t clean with vacuum cleaner, because electricity is too expensive. And she didn’t allow washing the clothes. And she doesn’t allow putting clothes to dry on radiators. And above all – she didn’t allow kids to have a bath. I didn’t care a lot about it since I always was looking forward to go to live away from her. But then it was one year, two years, three years with her and started to be a trap. I had always less money, there was no job future in front of me. She stopped beating me and shouting at me, because I didn’t react to her accusations any more, but she started to attack my son, cause, he “was not good in school” and I don’t know how to raise my kids. I didn’t do anything in my life… and this that I have three kids is nothing. Everybody can have kids…
My mother is full of Ego. She is a typical “victim”. She behaves totally differently with other people as she does to her own family.
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